My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
You Might Also Like
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
sugar glider wrangler
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.