My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
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netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes