My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
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“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Feels
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy