My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
The news
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Meme Monday.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop