Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
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Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
ME: I’d love to see u again
DATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good