My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
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The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.