@brennadine Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
@_little_old_me My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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@brennadine 
@21stcenturysahm I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
@XplodingUnicorn I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
@yaperboi these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
@sbellelauren shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
@FredTaming my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
@PeachyPixel8 The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
@mommeh_dearest “I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
@NicCageMatch God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
@youlooklikeamom People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.