My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.


I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.


I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.


shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period


my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating


The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.


“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side


God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.


People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.