@SharkJelly *I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
@_little_old_me My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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@SharkJelly 
@WritePlay “The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
@KimmyMonte The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
@AtticusFinch79 [creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
@AndyAsAdjective KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
@AaronFullerton “Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
@batkaren Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
@MarfSalvador me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
@OtherDanOBrien [police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
@DickKingSmith Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
