My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.

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*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*


“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.


The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.


[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans




KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…


Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse


me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going


[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.