My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
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Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Somebody’s lying.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.