my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”