My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
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Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
one last job
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.