My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀