My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis đ
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Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldnât believe my luck.
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
My wife: Donât kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
My son just let a girl âborrowâ his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
I donât personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My kid just called me by âhey youâ and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than theyâve ever walked before.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus