My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis đ
You Might Also Like
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school seĂąor.
You know Iâm something of a chef myself
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
This year for Mothers Day, Iâd just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, Iâm Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Donât tell me. Is it 4?
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All Iâm saying is Iâve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I canât get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Donât yell at me. You need a taco.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I donât think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
As Iâve gotten older, my âfear of missing outâ has been replaced by my âfear of being invited out.â
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
âYouâve got something in your teethâ
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this đ
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school