My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
mmm onion ringos
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles