My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔