My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
This is my pinned tweet
Pass gas, not judgment.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care