My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
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6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.