My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
birds and squirrels envy us
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.