My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get