I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…