@ericsshadow I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
@sageboggs My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
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@ericsshadow 
@Fred_Delicious Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
@david8hughes [egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
@KizerBillhelm Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
@CornOnTheGoblin [tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
@StorvLovesYou There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
@JasonLastname If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
@StinkyGr33n I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
@UnicornSyrup To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
@PLATINUM2000 If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…