@sageboggs

My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you

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@ericsshadow

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

@Fred_Delicious

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

@david8hughes

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

@KizerBillhelm

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

@StorvLovesYou

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

@JasonLastname

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

@StinkyGr33n

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

@UnicornSyrup

To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.

@PLATINUM2000

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…