@mrjohndarby

My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave

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@goodgrief_rats

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@WilliamAder

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

@noog

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

@patnspankme

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

@IamEnidColeslaw

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

@MrLloydSpandex

A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.