My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
You Might Also Like
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Smooooooth
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side