My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
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Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
The days of good grammer has went