My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
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Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
What?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band