My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.