My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
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Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Dolls on drugs
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot