My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
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6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
This is I, Robot all over again
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?