@AnniemuMary

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

@AbbieEvansXO

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

@abbycohenwl

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

@NicCageMatch

Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.

@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

@CalmTomb

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

@ValeeGrrl

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

@mahoneycomedy

When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”