My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

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Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]


DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now


I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts


Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.


It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get


Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”


I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.


When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”