Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”