My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
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Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
this is how life feels
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.