My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
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OH. COME. ON.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Is anyone gonna tell them?
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue