Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.

I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

(yawn)

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…

One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured