My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*