My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
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Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
I am all good here, 😂😉
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone