My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
You Might Also Like
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Lmao 🤣
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either