My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
when someone rings the doorbell
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.