My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
You Might Also Like
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.