My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.