My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
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next time i open up to someone is during surgery
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.