My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
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Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
What’s so funny?
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.