My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
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Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.