My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
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The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower