my father died in a conga line and so shall i
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
found this cool rock hiking today
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible