My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.