My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
You Might Also Like
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
absolute chaos
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”