My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
me, after any kind of buffet.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”