My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.