My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
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For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?