My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
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My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair