My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
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“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood