My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
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a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Sharon, call the vet
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.