Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:
1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.