@noneofyours99 Follow me for more recipes
@ObscureGent My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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@noneofyours99 
@Ginjarella How to make infinite energy.
@PaperWash angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
@Lisabug74 Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
@WornOutMommy I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
@joeheenan It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
@KentWGraham I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
@causticbob I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
@EJGomez sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
@CulturedRuffian I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.