@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

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@PaperWash

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

@Lisabug74

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

@WornOutMommy

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

@joeheenan

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

@KentWGraham

I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.

@causticbob

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

@EJGomez

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.