@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

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@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

@Adam14

“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok

@noog

Five reasons why blowjobs are the greatest thing:

1) Feel amazing.
2) Women can’t talk during them.
3) See # 2.
4) See # 3.
5) See # 4.

@nettie0918

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

@DadandBuried

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

@HuggyOnline

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

@BunAndLeggings

My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.