My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Meme Monday.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do