My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

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angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol


Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.


I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”


It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.


I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.


I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.


sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“no they were like faster than normal”


I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.