My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.