My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
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Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her