My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
You Might Also Like
Buck naked
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever