My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
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I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
The happy life.. 😊
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
time for some seasonal decor
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.