My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
The 6 types of sex
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
This squirrel eats better than I do
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.