My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.