@noog

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

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@karanbirtinna

Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.

@JaymayAllDay

When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?

@Tmoney68

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@circlejokes

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

@ACartoonCat

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

@osigat

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

@DeanB15

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

@shahrouzt

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.