My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.


When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?


Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.


Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.


It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.


Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”


Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.


I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.


Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.