My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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What an awful time to have common sense.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you